PART 2.1 Journal Entry I am thankful for journals and photos to help refresh my memories of the months of recovery. The pain medication did a great job keeping my pain levels in check, but did not help sharpen my memory. I had everything I needed at home to foster a safe healing experience, but the emotional/physical/spiritual roller coaster of recovery was still one of the biggest challenges I have faced to this day. Here is a journal entry from June 7, 12 days after my accident. “It’s a strange feeling to have bits of myself stripped away from me in moments. My courage and positivity are challenged at every moment since my accident. I will be riding along fine when a road bump- can’t reach my walker, can’t grab the fruit on the top shelf, must wait for someone to be available so I can go pee- stands in front of me, asking me… how strong are you, really? At moments, I persevere and I find my breath. Other moments, my eyes fill with tears, my breath shortens, fist clench and I feel the pain of being stripped of what I have held dear to my heart: my independence, efficiency, and simplicity. Since the first night in the ER, I have asked myself to feel these waves of emotions and experience the sadness. I still resist allowing others to witness this shattering. Another curious, yet frustrating, reoccurrence is the fear that I am now living in. I never would classify myself as a woman who makes decision based off of fear, but now my ability to trust someone moving me or trust that the cars on the road see me or even trusting that people want to help me, have amplified. This shadow side of me that has been ignited is scary and I wonder what it has to teach. I am reminded of a verse in 1 John, ‘There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he[God] first loved us.’ This serves me as a reminder to not let fear dominate, but to let myself be embraced and healed through love. I have my moments of defeat, but in the grand scheme of my days, I am true to my beings as a passionate, peaceful, strong, ambitious, calm, and creative woman. I want to tap into my Pacific Quest intent statement during this time, ‘I am a self-compassionate healer floating on a river of trust and acceptance.’ What a great statement for me during my time of recovery. The truth in the words, if my heart believes, will offer solitude during my road bumps. So far, my days have involved watching movies, scrolling through social media, ukulele playing, and reading. I feel unbalanced in how much time I am in front of a screen rather than in conversation, in meditation, or singing. I will put more of an effort to balance this dissonance. Tomorrow I will have a few visitors. With that to look forward to, I will go to bed smiling." PART 2.2 One day at a time So I have this broken femur...what now? There was a lot of pain to manage. I am usually quite the wiggle worm, but for the forseeable future I had to wear a large contraption on my leg to keep my leg from tweaking in the wrong direction and I could only lie still on my back when it was time to sleep. I was faced with a challenge, but from the beginning, I did not want it to consume me. I had encouraging visits from friends and letters of assurance from the ones I loved. Just like in shift work, the days were long but the weeks were short. Lucky for my healing journey, working in a therapeutic environment and having a background in holistic health was tremendous help. I was able to develop a routine and add elements to improve my well-being as my leg grew stronger. Physical therapy was an amazing experience. It was uplifting to see my progress every week and have the encouragement of the therapists. Plus it was just nice to get out of the house!
The biggest blessing from this accident was definitely the quality time with my family. I have not spent an extended amount of time at home since high school, only visiting for holidays and maybe a month in the summer. During the months at home, I was able to go to my cousins wedding and witness a beautiful union of two souls. I took trips with my family to baseball games, weekly farmers market, birthday celebrations, concert in the park, coffee and biscotti dates with my nana, antique shopping, family dinners, and more! I got to meet my brother’s girlfriend, and her son, and develop a relationship with them. My older sister was three months pregnant with her first child when I came back to California. The ability to spend time with her and her husband during the pregnancy was one of the greatest gifts. They picked me up every Saturday so I could spend the night and go to church with them in the morning. I looked forward to every weekend for their presence, the conversation, and the communion. During the week, I spent most of my time alone. I picked up so many little hobbies and activities to keep my brain stimulated and spirit optimistic. My dad convinced me to take a real estate salesperson course and I downloaded a public health course online. I made a routine of learning every morning, followed by time in the summer sun, than an assortment of little hobbies until my mom came home from work. I read, A LOT. Probably about 20 books this summer, not including my real esate books. A mixture of suspense thrillers, spiritual/relgious text, and outdoorsy inspirational books. I finally started a batch of Kombucha and mastered the at home cold brew. I wrote a lot of new songs and put them out to the world via facebook despite my insecurities. I made cute jewels using some shells from Hawaii. I played with the family pup Leia, she is a bundle of joy and energy. Yup, lots of a good stuff to keep myself from going insane. Around early July, my doctor told me he anticipated I would be walking by August and my leg would likely be strong enough to propel me up the mountains of Nepal in October...say what?!! In early spring of 2016, five of my college friends and I bought plane tickets for a month long adventure in Nepal with the hope of hiking the Annapurna circuit. When my accident happened, I figured the chance of that trip happening was slim to none. My hope was restored with my doctor’s prognosis. I experienced a wave of determination that would help push me through the physical challenges that were to come. At times the healing felt exponential. Getting myself into a few healing yoga poses and taking less pain medication were huge victories. There were moments where I did not see such a positive end in sight. I would get paranoid that the knee and hip pain I was experiencing was a signal that something else was wrong with my body. I have a vivid memory of asking my mom to do an exercise with a band that I was working on and watching her do it with such ease brought me to tears and exasperation. Little by little, my strength did come back. By August, I ditched the wheelchair completely and relied solely on a cane for stability. August was a busy month for me. I started the month with a huge celebration because I accepted a new position with my employer in Hawaii. I applied for the position on a whim. The position was exactly what I had foreseen myself doing if my accident hadn’t happened, but it did happen so I had to deal with that. In the interview, I made it clear that I wouldn’t be able to return to Hawaii until January. Somehow the stars aligned and I was offered the position! Knowing I would be back at work with Pacific Quest relieved some stress for me. I had been questioning my professional future and aspirations since the accident, so it was affirming to be set back on the path with a company I truly felt connected to. I continued the month soaking up opportunities as they came. At the beginning of August, I took a trip up to the mountains for Camp Jack Hazards Alumni weekend. I spent the summers of 2011, 2012, and 2013 at CJH and short visits in 2014 and 2015. I fell in love with the wilderness because of CJH. It was great to spend a weekend with other alumni and to see the positive direction the camp is headed. In mid-August, my parents and I went on a tour of Alcatraz in San Francisco. I walked a womping 3.5 miles that day, the most I had walked since my accident. I was exhausted. We had a great time exploring the island and walking along the pier. After the long day, I started to have some doubts about whether or not I would be able to commit to Nepal. It was so hard for me to conceptualize walking normal in just a month in half. At the end of the month, I took a trip to San Luis Obispo. I was still relying heavily on my cane. My hip was hurting quite a bit, so I started a pain medication after not having to take one for a couple weeks. I crashed on the couch at my old home in SLO, the infamous Summit. It was a great to reconnect with my college friends and just be social after not having much friend time in the months prior. I walked, a lot, but it wasn’t miserable because I had my friends by my side. I was anticipating going back home via Amtrak but a spontaneous opportunity came up to meet my friend in the central valley and drive with him to his family cabin in Manache. My usual spontaneous spirit would be all over this opportunity. I journaled my challenge: “There was a longing to return to a routine at home, but I reminded myself how important it was for me to rekindle that spontaneity…I am so glad I did!” I had an awesome weekend with him and his family. While I still wasn’t strong enough to hike around the surrounding mountains, I was able to get on a dirt bike and roam the valley. The combination of community and mountain medicine was uplifting. The month of September was mostly spent analyzing if I was strong enough to commit to Nepal. When I wasn’t in my head speculating about travel plans and my physical capabilities, I got to continue to enjoy time spent with my family. My sister was 7 months pregnant and beginning to fill out quite a bit! With the baby getting bigger, her body started to feel more aches and pains. Kristin loves my massages, so she got to be my first prenatal massage, it was a win-win! On September 17th, we celebrated her baby with a big baby shower at my parent’s home. The decorations looked straight out of Pinterest or a fancy design magazine. We had over 50 woman celebrating with us, from all walks of life. As days in September were growing slim, I started to have a growing apprehension about my decision to go to Nepal. My trip was planned for October 2nd - November 2nd. My sisters due date was November 3rd. While it was a plan from the start for me to go on this trip and return in time for the birth, a not so good scenario started to play in my head: I was in Nepal, alone, because I didn’t have the strength to keep up with my friends on the trail, I get word from my sister that she was in labor early and there I was on the opposite side of the world, not able to comfort her and support her as she experienced one of the most powerful moments of her life. Oh the torture the mind can ensue! I made the hard decision to stay committed to my trip to Nepal. I had no idea what was going to greet me as I travelled, but when I shut my head up and listened to my intuition, I knew going was the right choice.
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